Monday, April 16, 2007

nobody knows...

the trouble i've seen...heh
i have a secret. rather, i have many but that is to be discussed later.
my best kept secret is this- i want to die.
i wake up in the morning and think "oh, no. not again."
every day.
i don't consider myself suicidal for i do not desire to kill myself, necessarily. nor do i think of how everyone would be sorry, and all that typical stuff. quite the contrary, the main reasons i do not kill myself is because i do not want to be a "suicide case" and i do not want to hurt the people that care for me. i just do not want to live.
why?
i wish i knew. sure, i've had a pretty tough life, but many have. i do not feel sorry for myself.
what is the source of my death wish?
i will continue to explore this issue in the future.

1 comment:

Joe Cisneros said...

Sorry to hear your grief, Ursula. I came across your blog because I liked the play on words -- "Supercilious."
Maybe I didn't come here by chance, because I think I know what you are (were) experiencing. It's a horrible thing.
I know you wrote this years ago, and maybe things are better...
But if you happen to read this, I wanted to let you know that I'll be praying for you. Healing doesn't always come overnight, but I believe that even prayers can work retroactively.